Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Too Late?

I'm embarrassed to be writing on here again, even though it's my blog. It's been a year? more than a year? since I've written, but tonight it just seemed appropriate.

Lately I've felt like I'm drowning. Not with family or friends, but at my job. I keep Addie with me two to three days a week, and on the days I don't have her, I throw myself into my work to get as much finished as I can. On the days I do have her, I try to balance: work a little while, play a little while. Nap time? WORK WORK WORK. With Addie though, she's very demanding of my attention. She doesn't like to play on her own. She MUST touch my keyboard. She MUST have my phone when I'm talking on it. It's a battle I fight often, and it's exhausting. I DO NOT want to be frustrated with my child because of my job. That upsets me most.

I was doing an excellent job this year. I was kicking some ass. For once I finally felt like I had a good grasp on my job and thought that I was actually going to have great numbers. That is, up until we returned from Christmas break and they added more to the workload. Since then, it's been little things adding up to make me more and more frustrated, more and more anxious, more and more resentful of my entire choice to be a teacher. I'm in debt so far that, if it weren't for my husband, I couldn't support myself and would have to live with my parents because my student loan payments are so high. I didn't go to an expensive school, but I did have to get my Master's degree in order for my school to release my teaching certificate. It was a requirement in Ohio for teachers to have Master's degrees within five years anyway, so what the heck? I went ahead and did it. Six months or so after graduating with my Master's, Ohio removed that requirement for teachers. Of course. In case you were wondering, DO NOT go to Wright State University for teaching!

If we could afford it, if it weren't for two unnecessary Master's degrees, I could stay home and raise Addie, maybe take a part-time position somewhere fun like my beloved Skyline. But I HAVE to work, we have too many bills to pay.

I've been thinking lately about how unhappy I am with my job. Is it my place of work, or teaching in general that I am over? I'm not sure. All I know is that I am often exhausted, and very emotional after shutting down for the day. I dread what the next day will bring. I cry a lot more (but I'm a cryer anyway). I've been thinking about nursing. I have two aunts that are nurses and love it. I have a few friends that became nurses and are very happy. I'm attracted to the idea of working three twelve-hour shifts a week, and having four days off. I like the idea of being on my feet all day (or night) and talking to people, working with people, getting my job done, and then going home leaving my completed job behind me. I like the idea of having those four days a week with Addie. I like the idea of extra income (hallelujah!)

I don't like shots or IVs. I can't even watch them on television, though I know they're fake (or are they?) I also don't like the idea of more debt. (Ellen Degeneres, care to donate $15,000 for me to go back to school?  Or heck, just fly me to California to watch a show and dance, I'd be happy! Or hire me! I can be your eastern US partner so Jeanie can stay closer to California.....) Anyway these, right now, are my only cons.

If someone is actually reading this, what do you think? I don't want to spend 30 years in a profession I'm not truly happy with and wish that I had made that jump, yet, I don't want to lose my house or go bankrupt for this either. Should I just do it, or hope that this, too, shall pass and next school year will be better?  Why can't I just get paid to read Harry Potter or Nicholas Sparks books all day? I'm good at that!

Oh and one more thing to rub salt in the wound. Jeff has to go to Arlington, Virginia in May for school, and I can't go because of WORK. Of course it would be wonderful to see Keebs and Britt, my only super close friend left from grade school and his wife, but alas. Jeff will just have to hopefully stop in for me and take pictures. I'm so jealous.

I suppose that's enough venting for one year. Here's until next time!


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